Title: 100 Situations: Prompt #38 Flame
Characters: Sakura, Sai, and Kakashi
Genre: Humor, pretty crackish
Rating: T for references to porn.
AN: I'm cheating a lil and adding this story to Euphemisms too. That story's been hurting for an update and I think this one can kind of fit with that series.
Prompt #38: Flame
The porn was on fire.
Sakura tried to control her breathing as she watched the flames spread over the orange little novel, crackling and hissing as the pages curled. The cover was charred black, and the pictures were revealed on the pages- horrible, grotesque visions of human anatomy as the fire burned away naughty bits and not-so-naughty bits.
“Sai!” She cried, the only rational thought hitting her like a sledgehammer to an egg, “Save the porn!”
Sai turned to stare at her quizzically, before turning towards the spot where an ill-aimed fire jutsu, courtesy of one Haruno Sakura, was currently eating away at a book Kakashi had left on the grass while he sparred against Yamato. Following his teammate’s orders without complaint, Sai’s fingers flew together.
“No Sai! You’ll waterlog it-”
But it was too late as torrents of water from an excessively powerful suiton jutsu poured over the small flames, drowning them away.
Sakura’s eyes narrowed as her leg muscles flexed, fingers curling as she sprinted over towards the ruined erotica. Her booted feet skidded to a stop in front of the destroyed item, as she crouched down and handled the remnants of the porn like she handled a transplanted kidney.
“I’m doomed,” she whispered, clearly distraught as she frantically tried to course chakra into the burned, then soaked pages, desperately willing the fibers of the paper to rearrange. Her face fell when her endeavors failed to produce, “I’m doomed!”
Sai watched the spectacle with close observation, his head tilting towards the side slightly as he knelt beside the kunoichi, “Did the book contain one of Kakashi-san’s summons?” He asked, curious as to what made the novel so important.
“…you could say that,” mumbled Sakura under her breath, beginning to realize that all the nin’s chakra, and all the nin’s skill, wouldn’t cause the porn‘s pages to fill.
“Kakashi-san-,” addressed Sai.
“I know,” she groaned in defeat, “He’s going to kill me!”
There was a polite clearing of the throat from behind Sakura and her hands stilled, recognizing the sound and its maker. Slowly, as if she were about to face a human-eating tiger, she pivoted from her crouched position and faced her former teacher.
“Oh, hello Kakashi-sensei,” she greeted cheerfully, a hand rubbing the back of her neck, “I didn’t realize that you and Yamato-senpai would be done so early-”
“Hello Sakura,” he said with the same sort of cheerfulness, clearly smiling beneath the mask, “I just walking by and couldn’t help but overhear you declaring that I was going to kill you,” the smile stretched, “I was naturally curious as to what the reason could be.”
Sakura bit her lower lip, “It’s not what it looks like!”
The smile remained eerily in place, “To me it looks like nothing, so are you implying the opposite?”
“I think she was conveying that it didn’t look as if she had set your summoning book on fire with a katon jutsu,” Sai supplied helpfully from his seat next to Sakura.
The smile on Kakashi’s face vanished, and Sakura’s fingers itched to clamp themselves around Sai’s obnoxiously ill-timed, earnest throat. Especially when her former sensei looked over Sakura to see what she was desperately trying to hide.
Kakashi stared down at the soggy, charred, barely recognizable copy of Icha Icha Advance Tactics: Super Special Well Rounded Edition, and the two teammates studied his face intensely. His movements were grave as he kneeled down, fingers morosely stretching for the novel. As soon as his fingertips touched it, the page crumbled even further, curves in all the right places scattering into the air never to be seen again. Sakura strained to hear it, but there was a definite hitch to her former mentor’s breathing.
“Sensei, I, it was an accident-” Sakura struggled to apologize.
There was no response but the struggling breathing and a low mumble of “…limited edition…”.
She shifted in that awkward sort of way most younger people did when confronted with their elders and superiors completely losing it.
“I’ll, um get you a new one-” she tried again.
Kakashi shook his head slowly, still staring at the ruined erotica, and his voice was the voice of a man with nothing left in the world, “No, no Sakura. Even if you were of legal age and maturity-” Sakura frowned a bit at the barb, “-it was a special release. Only two copies were ever published.”
Sai blinked, “That seems inefficient.”
Kakashi just stared at him, long and hard. Sai decided to smile back.
Sakura pursed her lips, “Well, who has the other copy?”
A sad shrug of the shoulders.
“I’m really sorry, sensei,” Sakura said earnestly, staring at her feet.
Kakashi’s lone, desolate eye turned upon his only female student. Seeing her absolutely dejected stance, he sighed, jamming his hands into his pockets.
“It’s alright, Sakura, it wasn’t-” a slight crack of the voice, “-irreplaceable, even though it was a special edition that can never, ever be replicated.”
That made her feel better. Sort of.
Kakashi looked skyward, “I’m just going to miss the stories…and the illustrations…the way the young temptress Kiyoko would lay on her back, trembling thighs spread to-”
Sakura flushed beet red and debated socking her former instructor straight into next week for saying such things in front of a lady. Even if she had a dog-eared copy of the prequel at home on her bookshelf.
As Kakashi continued to grieve for his losses by relating the entire plot to his subordinates in public during broad daylight, Sai’s features took on a fascinated look as he opened up a sketch book and took out a well of ink.
“-and then, as she tossed her head back-”
“-Kakashi-san, did she toss her head back to the left or to the right?”
“To the left. She felt the unending devotion-”
“-was the unending devotion a penis?”
“I really like to think of it as more of an abstract metaphor,” Kakashi said contemplatively, appreciating Sai’s attentive questions, as it suggested that he too understood the devastating loss that was Icha Icha Advance Tactics: Super Special Well Rounded Edition.
Sai nodded, his brush working furiously against the parchment.
Sakura, who had been until that moment attempting to grow thick skin over her eardrums, noticed that Sai seemed rather focused on Kakashi’s too detailed for anyone under the legal age retelling of the story.
“Sai?” She asked.
He didn’t look up, “Yes, Hag?”
“What are you drawing?”
He didn’t answer, so Sakura found her curiosity winning out as she peered over his shoulder. To say her jaw dropped would be an understatement, it clearly dislocated.
“Sai!” She hissed, “You pervert!”
Kakashi’s rant stilled, as he heard Sakura yelling ‘Pervert!’ and it wasn’t directed at him for once.
Sai resorted to the default smile he made when not comprehending something, “I don’t understand.”
“You’re drawing…you’re drawing…uh!” Sakura said in disgust, smacking him on the back of the head. She was horrified, appalled, terrified…and maybe just a little turned on as her eyes refused to leave the sketches like metal to a magnet.
Their elder and superior’s interest peaked, he too leaned over the sketchbook to get a better look.
And promptly snatched it away. One could almost see the hearts forming in his eyes.
“It’s an exact replica!” He said in a revered hush, turning towards Sai with awe.
Sai smiled, “My books inform me that I should do my best to cheer up acquaintances that are upset.”
“This is a talent that I doubt even the sharingan could replicate,” Kakashi said seriously, turning towards the artist nin, “Could you do it again?”
Sai nodded, “Of course. My studies on human emotions frequently led me to reading many volumes of Icha Icha.”
Kakashi, feared copy ninja and elite jounin, looked like a kid in a candy store. Almost immediately he began to describe the next scene, Sai attentively painting the imagery.
Sakura stared at the spectacle with an abject sort of horror, knowing that by destroying Kakashi-sensei’s book she had inadvertently introduced Sai into the porn industry.